Attraction: Do I Feel It?

“Are you asexual?”

It’s a question that I’ve been asked by more than one person on more than one occasion. It prompted me to look up the definitions and qualifications for asexuality and all the other iterations sexuality can come in because I didn’t really understand the question I was being asked and why I was being asked it.

Is it because I don’t talk about sex and attraction openly? Is it because I don’t concern myself with finding a partner? Is it because my conversations are not focused on how “hot” another person is?

According to The Asexual Visibility and Education Network, asexuality is the lack of feeling sexual attraction. The website goes on to explain that asexuality is an identity, and like any other identity, “at its core, it’s just a word that people use to help figure themselves out.”

After reading up on asexuality, I have figured out where I stand with this particular sexual identity. The truth is, I’m not asexual. I’m not anything. I’m just a person.

I’ve never felt the need to classify my sexuality or even think about classifying my sexuality because it’s just another category that someone else designed to separate people. Why isn’t it okay with the world that some people like people of the same sex, some people like people of the opposite sex, some people like both, some people like neither, and some people like every category of person there is? Instead, we feel the need to categorize people and say, “Okay, you like people of the same sex, your gay. You like people of the opposite sex, you’re straight. You like both, your bisexual. Neither? Asexual. All? Pansexual.” Is this categorization for the individual’a benefit? Or is it for the rest of us? Is it so that they know who they are or so that we do?

I’m honestly not sure.

On the one hand, by not fitting into one of society’s predetermined boxes, you are marginalized by said society. You are told there is something wrong with you or that you aren’t ‘normal’ just because you don’t behave in the way that you’re told you’re supposed to. So, how do you cope with that? You could choose to live your life as an outcast, accepting that you’re ‘abnormal’ by someone else’s standards. Or, you could take an active role in defining yourself rather than being defined by someone else. Is this why there are so many sexual identities out there? Is this why people are putting themselves into tinier boxes than society provides? Is it because they are able to put themselves into those boxes rather than being shoved in by someone else? Is that the point?

Who’s to say? It’s definitely not me. I’m like the rest of the world — simply trying to make sense of what I feel, when I feel it, and why I feel it at every turn.

If we all just had a little compassion for one another and stopped trying to control other people’s lives, then maybe the world would have fewer issues. If we all just accepted people for who they are and stopped trying to change them to fit who we think they are, then maybe we wouldn’t be in this mess in the first place. If we all just chose to live our own truths and stopped trying to steal someone else’s, then maybe the term ‘identity crisis’ would have less to do with who we love and more to do with what we think.

For the record, I don’t talk about sex and attraction openly because I’m a WASP and was taught that those things should be reserved for private conversations in private rooms where no one can hear you. I don’t concern myself with finding a partner because, frankly, I’m too busy “molding the minds of America’s youth” and trying to start up a writing career to even consider “settling down.” And, I don’t discuss how “hot” a person is because I think a person’s attractive qualities are made up of much more than simple aesthetics. I need a conversation to determine whether I can truly feel attracted to a person.

Does that make me asexual? I don’t think it does, and that’s the whole f-ing point.